So, I love cupcakes, Red Velvet Cup Cakes are win win!! So, as I had no spare time up my sleeve, I thought I’d try my hands at baking me some!!

(I’ve since renamed mine “Red Velvet Disaster that tastes pleasant”)

This is a stella example of how they’re meant to look (click)

This is what you could have won! (cc image - thank you!)

Here’s the ingredients that I used for starters…

60gms of unsalted Butter at room temperature (An average British room, smart a**!)
150gms Caster Sugar (Like what fisherman use, Caster, geddit)
1 Chicken Egg (As opposed to dinosaur, right?)
10gms of Cocoa powder (If you use original, organic unprocessed Cocoa, there’s a chance you won’t need red colour due to a chemical reaction with the buttermilk, innit!)
20ml of horrid red Food Colouring (That stuff will kill ya!)
1 healthy tsp of Vanilla Extract
120mls Buttermilk (Who the hell keeps Buttermilk! Use this)
150gms of plain (not snazzy, plain) Flour
Half a tsp of the queens finest Salt
Half a tsp of Bicarbonate Of Soda
1 and a half tsp of white wine Vinegar (Fail on my part, didn’t have any oops)
Cream Cheese Frosting (I used Mr. Worrall Thompson’s recipe)
A muffin tin / Baking Tray
12 little Baking paper thingies

And this is what I did with all that stuff!…

1. Preheat the oven to 170′C (325′F) Gas 3.

2. Put the butter and the sugar in a bowl and stir / beat etc until light and fluffy and well mixed (If you’re pathetic, use a mixer, but if you’re a bloke, use a wooden spoon you girl!)  Turn the wooden spoon up to high speed, slowly add the egg and beat until everything is well mixed. (Try do this with one hand! Physical challenge!)

3. In a separate bowl, mix the cocoa powder, red food colouring and vanilla extract together to make a chunky dark paste. Add in the butter mixture and mix thoroughly until everything looks the same, I used a rubber spatula to scrape the sides and make sure I got it all. Turn the mixer (Wooden spoon) down to slow speed and slowly pour in half the pretend buttermilk. Beat until your arm is sore, then add half the flour and beat it all until everything is mixed up like that awesome album the Cure released in 1990 (Am I that old!) Repeat this arduous process until all the fake buttermilk and flour have been added and your arm is proper sore. Scrape all the wannabe escapees down from the side of the bowl again and give it the good news with the old wooden spoon until your arm really truly hurts. Slowly add the salt, bicarb and vinegar (Which I forgot I didn’t have). Beat until Beaten then beat a little more… What’s that, your arm’s sore? SOFT!

4. Empty your precious mixture into the little paper houses until they’re about two-thirds full and whack in the lovingly preheated oven for 20-25 minutes** (I chose 20, who gives a bloke cook a choice, I mean really?!), or until the spongy goodness bounces back at ya when touched. A skewer (I used a spear like thing used for fondue) inserted in the centre should come out clean. Leave the cupcakes to cool slightly in the tray before turning loose onto a cooling rack (The bench really will do)

5. You made your icing when I told you to, right?** When the cupcakes are cool, spoon the Cream Cheese Frosting on top.

Yeah, so, well… mine, they taste awesome! They just look crap…. C’est La Vie!

Oh, here’s a STONKING great recipe for them from pickycook actually, it’s probably best you avoid using my recipe for anything other than a laugh at a party!

I had fun though… Sime